quesions of fate

There have been
many times that
i've wanted to
break down and ask God
why?
Why have we been placed in a world with so many temptaions
that hell is inevitable
now a days even
the preists are hypocrits
so what are we to do?
How can i walk around
living in fear of going to hell
when no one else is?
I've been living in sin
for a number of years
so even after i repent
where will i go?
will it be heaven?
or just something like it
thats saved for the unworthy
I have a million and One questions
to ask my God
However i know when i finally get the answers
it will be more than too late
because i wil be aking them at either
heaven's or hell's gate

miscommunication

she was so naive
she didint recognize
his afftection to be
disguised manipulation
his love to be
well dressed deception
until it was too late
all the signs were there
but she was too blind to see
that he was in seek
of only one thing

Jigsaw

and she was left alone
to pick up the pieces of the puzzle
that her life used to be
the only problem is
pieces were missing
all those essential corner pieces
that made solving her puzzle
more than easy
had been stolen
stripped from the box called her heart
and shredded into a million pieces
leaving her in a state of confusion forvever
how can she get through her jigsaw
without the corner pieces
where does she go from here?
the only answer
is to start within
and begin reconstructing the nucleus of her life
indeed this will take time
but blessings come wth patience
so she has no choice
but to adhere and be patient
as she works her way
fom the inside out
piece by piece
they begin to connect
and as her picture
becomes clear
it is obvious
that the picture
being formed is more beautiful
than the one before

the cycle

The worst thing to say is
"it will never happen to me"
because chances are it will
its such a blow to confidence
when someone who believes they are invincible
finds out that they are not
being forced into vulnerabilty is the worst part
living with a fear that you never had before
dealing with the fashbacks and all the other bushit that comes along with it
all because you were hurt
and the person who hurt you was most likely hurt in the same way
hurt people hurt people
it's a vicous cycle
with no end in sight.

Forbidden Fruit

They say forbidden fruit
is the sweetest
however i never knew
that was udeniably true
until i encountered
you aka my forbidden fruit
initially you were a mystery
and as a result that sparked my interest
you embodied everything i desired
but i thought i wasn't worthy of
day by day you reeled me in
like the serpent in the garden of eve
you seduced me
until i could no longer resist
i had to taste
the forbidden fruit
and just as seen in history
my world turned upside down
all because of my forbidden fruit
aka you

Disposable Family

it was the best of times
it was the worst of times
we laugh together we cry together
but thats family right?
a family that prays together stays together
so lets pray for the day the drugs took my mother away
memories of the hurt i could never throw away
waited up all night she never came home
birthdays came and went she never picked up the phone
never knew what it was like to be loved
never been taught how to love myself
stripped of my chances to succeed by the woman who claimed to be my mother
but thats acceptable right?
we are family
A family is nothing without hope
so lets hope for the day that my father will show his face
be a real man and fill my empty space
he abandoned his responsibilities to me
so he oculd live a life of his own
never stopping to consider the
effect it would have on mine
he's only my blood not my family
the difference between the two is i cant have a bond with the blood i never knew
a bond that can't be broken or thrown away
so lets talk about the bond between my brothers and sisters
memebers of the same turmoil that i've endured
not biological but blood couldn't make us closer
drawn to the streets because we lacked a family structure
so we created one
one that can't be thrown away
we are products of our enviornment
children who had no childhood
still wet behind the ears but forced to fend for ourselves
some call us a gang but we call ourselves a family
so lets take away the pain that comes along with families
because its damaged me so much already
my potiential doubted
my freedom threatened
my dreams unknown
so lets bring back the love that i never knew
because my family threw it away before i could
never had the trust to be involved in a realationship
never had the chance to grow as a person
forced into the real world i unconciously
erased my innocence and replaced it with sin
so lets pray for the mothers who have lost their way
hope for the fathers who are never known
help the brothers and sisters
just dont throw my family away because all i have left is
resentment

change of heart

a love that once felt so strong
has now began to die
the feelings i once harbored
have now transformed into
hatred. resentment. and repulsion.
things have truly changed
and im not sure if it is me or you to blame

A thousand Miles

And she walked a thousand miles only to find that the insecurities she initially ran from were still there alive and well. The days when she hated to look in the mirror because the person staring back at her absolutely repulsed her. The thoughts that ran through her mind just at the sight of her picture continue to populate the back of her mind. Her not so former anxieties became her seducer into self hatred and it was without out a doubt that she would reside there. and she walked a thousand miles only to find that it had been done in vain because her lackadaisical mind was no match for the conquistador called abhorrence. She no longer dreamed that things would change because no matter what the circumstances it all remains the same . She will never be worthy of an unconditional love not even from herself so instead she walks around in the dark hoping that she will disappear because she is already mentally invisible

Just thoughts

so i had a conversation earlier today that i never expected to have. its kind of wierd when someone confides in you and expects advice but its the same exact advice that you need. so its kind of like no matter how you tell them to go about the situation you look like a hypocrit because apparently your not taking your own advice if your having the same problem. Sometimes i wish i could erase my whole past like its so many things that i've done that i dont nessacarily regret but i know my life would be toatlly different if people knew about it. I never thought there would come a day when i would be remorseful but shit its here. How do you separate the person that you used to be from the person that you are now from the person that your going to be? how do you make yourself a better person without people telling you "your acting brand new"? ahhhhh this life shit get more confusing by the day but hey we have no other choice but to adapt to what is around us. crazy right?

decisions

ok so i figure i need to make a few changes in order to become a better person (even though im pretty damn awesome right now) i know that i still have many faults. As the day that i am scheduled to leave is getting closer and closer i cant help but think i need to tie up all loose ends in California before i start a new life in New Orleans so i have something good to come home to instead if the bullshit i left after high school. i mean relationship wise im great we aint goin nowhere lol but its the friends part that kind of bothers me. Too much shit has happened of the past four years and although i have grown from every fucked up situation i think its time to put that shit in my rearview and keep it pushin. I know some realationship may never be salvaged and i am totally ok with that because those are the people i would rather not have in my life anyway but there are some that i cant help but think what if about you know? The only problem is i am not a forgiving person at all so that kinda leaves me caught between a rock in a hard place. either i let my guard down and make myself vulenerable giving them the chance to hurt me again or i continue to hold a grudge and let this shit wear me down? ughhhhhhhh decisions decsions.

transparencies

Ever wondered what would happen if everyone was transparent?
if ethe things we are most insecure about
were exposed for the entire world to see?
if the things we wanted to keep buried deep within
had no choice but to surface?
would we still fall victim to conformities
or would the world finally admit
nobodys perfect
what if we had no choice
but to wear our hearts on our sleeves?
making the main component of our lives vulnerability
would we still walk around unable to believe
that we are worthy of being loved by another human being
if we were all transparent
where would it, what would it, how could it be?

The Sweetest

The sweetest kiss
to touch her lips
the softest touch
to caress her skin
two bodies
one rythm
their souls on fire
they have escaped
to the planet of
Ecstacy. Euphoria.
bliss to the highest level
Explosion. Eruption. Combustion.
They return to their life
drifting back into reality
protected in each others arms

Fear of Flying

How is the fear of flying eliminated?
my wings are itching
to get out there and achieve
but my insecurities
have constrained me
My mind is ready to soar
but my heart wont leave
the desire for more
is beginning to consume me
I step out to the edge of the nest
and abruptly jump back in
when the wind of the real world
breezes by
but at the same time
i am intrigued by it
so i walk back out to the edge of the nest
and breathe in the sweet smell of freedom
what wonder!
I take one loom into the future and then one into the past
I see everything i will be leaving behind
and finally I am ready
so i move away from the edge
just to say one thing
"Mommy its time to clip the strings"
and she looks at me with an ambiguous look
that shows both joy and happiness
because her little girl is finally
ready to spread her wings.

friends

hmm.. so friendships you know that say "boys come and go but friends are forever"? who the hell came up with that because that is the biggest lie told to teenage girls lol i mean honestly have the people we call friends have alternate agendas..you know their out for their selve or they are just extremly fake. which really sucks because those tend to be the ones that you draw yourself to first. for instance in 9th grade i had like 7 girls i called my best friends and guess how many i still talk too? TWO OF THEM! thats less than half. but hey what can i say times change and people change with them. Theres always gonna be leaves in your life, you know the people that enter your life and leave it even quick i like to call them "seasonals". i guess the key to it all is being able to separate the leaves in your life from the roots to yo tree (lol i heard kelly price say it). but yea idk this whole thing just randomly came to me outta nowhere so i guess the point of what im trying to say is when you find those unconditional friends make sure you cherish them because they are hard to come by.